Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
My spirit animal is fried chicken
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.