If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who’s dumber than me, I’d have $11 cause I work for a small company.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
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Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.