Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
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Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
bought wrong eggs
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I think about this a lot