Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Every Food Blog RN: Can’t get out to shop? Make this stew with ingredients everyone has in their pantry:
4 Cups chicken broth
1 narwhal horn
2 freshly picked nests of the swiflet bird
1 dodo egg
2 bay leaves
salt and pepper to taste
A dollop of soft vampire bat cheese on top
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mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-