@Gooooats

Every Food Blog RN: Can’t get out to shop? Make this stew with ingredients everyone has in their pantry:

4 Cups chicken broth
1 narwhal horn
2 freshly picked nests of the swiflet bird
1 dodo egg
2 bay leaves
salt and pepper to taste
A dollop of soft vampire bat cheese on top

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if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

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For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

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TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

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Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

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him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

@Ristolable

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

@FuckabillyRex

I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that’s not a professional wrestler.

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If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

@AndyAsAdjective

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”