Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
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This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
This hospital has everything
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.