If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.