Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
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The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!