Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
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Take my advice, I’m not using it.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.