Every grocery store has free samples if you’re quick enough

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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?


*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*


Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat


imagine a crime show where an auntie accidentally solves crimes because she is so nosy


When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.


I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”


“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”


Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”


melancholy is my favorite feeling that also sounds like a delicious dog


There’s really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else’s phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.