I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
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*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I would like even faster food.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
cry laughing at this shit
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter: