@KylePlantEmoji

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

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@andlikelaura

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

@WilliamRodgers

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

@markydoodoo

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

@KimmyMonte

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

@mattingebretson

I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression

@Vodkantots

I never said I hated you.

I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.

@kwirkyKerri

Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.

@EyeSeeYou619

Having a bummer day? Here’s an out of context Spider-man comic book scene that made me laugh.

@TequilaTears

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

@Social_Mime

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.