Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
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How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
Q: Will you get naked?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression
I never said I hated you.
I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.
Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.
Having a bummer day? Here’s an out of context Spider-man comic book scene that made me laugh.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.