Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
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What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes