Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
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Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.