*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
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Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Always…
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Everyone’s family
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I need a headline like this
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.