Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
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You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah