@rudy_mustang

Every horse movie ever: people don’t think this horse can go fast but it do. it go real fast

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@weinerdog4life

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

@pplwtching

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

@ineedaballrub

I just Googled ‘Nicolas Cage jokes’ and it showed me a list of every film he’s been in.

Well played, Google.

@titanmoon10

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

@shutupmikeginn

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

@skickwriter

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

@Sickayduh

DAD: I can’t believe you bought me a house for Christmas
SON: I hope you enjoy it
DAD: I’m just gonna…
SON: Oh no
DAD: Live in the present

@NutttyV

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

@agathagotstoned

Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.