@rudy_mustang

Every horse movie ever: people don’t think this horse can go fast but it do. it go real fast

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@JasonBerlin

You’re never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.

@shanethevein

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

@buhsbaby_baby

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?

@TheSadnesses

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

@MumInBits

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

@AmishPornStar1

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

@AmericanGent69

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

@3sunzzz

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.