If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
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OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.