Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left