Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
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I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I practiced cursive for years in elementary school & my electronic bank signature still looks like it was signed by a drunk monkey.
New way to avoid pregnancy:
Wear double condom with chilli powder in between.
If outer breaks she will know,
if inner breaks u will know.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”