Every house has this drawer

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Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now


I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.


My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.


I practiced cursive for years in elementary school & my electronic bank signature still looks like it was signed by a drunk monkey.


New way to avoid pregnancy:
Wear double condom with chilli powder in between.
If outer breaks she will know,
if inner breaks u will know.


Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle


Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”


Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*


*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”