*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
You Might Also Like
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
pat pat
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy