Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
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*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
No chill.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
It’s an epidemic…
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again