Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
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Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
is it earth
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.