Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
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That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
haha same
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill