@sweetmomissa

Every kiss begins with K and I’m fairly certain most divorces start with IKEA

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@DancesWithTamis

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

@AbbeYaar

Just accidentally used yahoo to search for something. I think the entire Yahoo! Search staff are having a party and high fiving each other.

@Breadery

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

@_The_Man__

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

@hellohappy_time

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

@MongooseMayhem

Date me?

You can’t afford the maintenance to keep me.

Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria’s Secret, and bail money.

@Marcmywords2

Dear XBOX Kinect
If I wanted to use my
whole body to play
sports, I’d play sports.

@iinkedZombie

5: “I’m so tough because I NEVER cry!”

Me: “What?! You were crying about spiders earlier.”

5: *cries* “BUT THEY HAVE 8 LEGS!”

@stephaniemain2

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄