Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Every kiss begins with K and I’m fairly certain most divorces start with IKEA
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Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
*hires court room sketch artist for your intervention
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”