@sweetmomissa

Every kiss begins with K and I’m fairly certain most divorces start with IKEA

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@vladchoc

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

@DeadLioness

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

@ThaJawn

*hires court room sketch artist for your intervention

@Ygrene

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

@beefman138

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

@TheBoydP

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

@mejustbeth

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

@jonnysun

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”