In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Every kiss begins with K and I’m fairly certain most divorces start with IKEA
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Just accidentally used yahoo to search for something. I think the entire Yahoo! Search staff are having a party and high fiving each other.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
You can’t afford the maintenance to keep me.
Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria’s Secret, and bail money.
Dear XBOX Kinect
If I wanted to use my
whole body to play
sports, I’d play sports.
5: “I’m so tough because I NEVER cry!”
Me: “What?! You were crying about spiders earlier.”
5: *cries* “BUT THEY HAVE 8 LEGS!”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄