@blairgarner
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
@AsgardianRose
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
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@blairgarner
@goofballbirkla
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
@ShortSleeveSuit
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
@Blondiethegood
Bro Transformers are real! Haven’t you seen a big truck or a camaro? They are real. They just hide real good like chewbacca. And batman.
@cray_at_home_ma
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
@FlyJ_
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
@rogueMUGA
What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings
@squirrel74wkgn
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
@WilliamAder
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
@steeve_again
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea