@joekjoek
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
@AsgardianRose
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
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@joekjoek
@junejuly12
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
@fillthevacuum
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
@_ElvishPresley_
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
@KSekouM
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
@TheToddWilliams
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
@TheAlexNevil
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
@beefman138
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
@AKenyanDude
When Chuck Norris is pulled over, cops show him their IDs
@PrisonCookies
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners