Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

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To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?


therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here


Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*


Bro Transformers are real! Haven’t you seen a big truck or a camaro? They are real. They just hide real good like chewbacca. And batman.


Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years


please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke


What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings


Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work


The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.


Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea