Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
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Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash