Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
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Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Squirrels before girls.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
mentally somewhere in italy
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.