@JasonBerlin

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

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@Bob_Janke

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

@LuvPug

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

@MichaelTrying

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

@peb671

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

@patnspankme

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

@FrazzleMyGimp

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

@simoncholland

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

@Wtftab

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

@SashaBrenner

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987