Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

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If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day


I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’


I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.


Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.


Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.


ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.


GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell


One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.


I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.


“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987