@JasonBerlin
@ElleOhHell
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
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@ElleOhHell
@better_off_dad2
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
@EvansPosts
“You’re gonna hate yourself in the morning if you stay up late”
jokes on you im gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what
@JamieGreenlees
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
@murrman5
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
@lmegordon
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
@KenJennings
You guys, The Hobbit is a straight-up ripoff of my unreleased 3-hour experimental film “Helicopter Shots of People Walking.”
@HeyZeus666
Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a blender with sticky hyenas.
@_SingleBabyMama
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
@Vice_Queen
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.