Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
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if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.