Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

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*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*


“You’re gonna hate yourself in the morning if you stay up late”

jokes on you im gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what


Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.


[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?


In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.


You guys, The Hobbit is a straight-up ripoff of my unreleased 3-hour experimental film “Helicopter Shots of People Walking.”


Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a blender with sticky hyenas.


If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.


Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.