Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!