11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
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“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
umm…
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen