Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many