Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
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My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.