Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Pat is about to own someone
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.