@IsMarshallOkay

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

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@dave_cactus

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

@michaelianblack

Every picture I’ve seen of Neil Patrick Harris the last ten years has been of him adjusting his shirt cuffs. He needs better shirts.

@SteveKoehler22

The original “Ben Hur” was a mega
hit movie ….with ( 11 ) Oscars.

The remake is a box office flop.

A clear case of “Ben Hur, Done That”

@ClichedOut

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

@hippieswordfish

everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013

@LarrysTwin99

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

@LosLos__

Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

~A parenting haiku.

@Love_bug1016

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

@GrantTanaka

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

@Kids_kubed

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days