ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
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Every picture I’ve seen of Neil Patrick Harris the last ten years has been of him adjusting his shirt cuffs. He needs better shirts.
The original “Ben Hur” was a mega
hit movie ….with ( 11 ) Oscars.
The remake is a box office flop.
A clear case of “Ben Hur, Done That”
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
~A parenting haiku.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days