Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Who knew!
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Dammit Chief not again
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.