Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
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My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I’m confused about plants
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
The first matador
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.