Try and stop me.
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Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.