every morning I ask the dog “the usual?” before pouring his food into his bowl & neither of us thinks it’s funny but that’s showbiz folks

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[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.


[Speed Date]

Her: Hi! I’m Sus… wait… is that your dog with you?

*Dog sniffs her and turns to me, shaking his head*

Me: NEXT!!!!


Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us


All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.


A friend was telling me about quantum mechanics and I told her how I hate it when the safety seal on ketchup leaves that clear film behind.


[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job


Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.


Obama: Please just wave.



Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad


Me: I love star wars movies
Friend: What’s your favourite line?
Me: Probably “aaaaarggh…Luke ya scurvy dog, I am yer fartha”
Friend: Sounds like a pirate copy


i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police