Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
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My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
2022: I can fix it
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
HELP 😭
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.