Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
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If you love someone…
Bury them in your backyard so no one can find them. Then you’ll have them FOREVER!
*looks out window & smiles*
me: [getting murdered]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
The only lie Republicans haven’t told about Obama is he’s white.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
“I don’t care,” I say, slowly developing an ulcer
“Now that i’ve completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold”
*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*
You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.