@NerishaLakha

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

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@envydatropic

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

@Aremess2

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

@Bob_Janke

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

@AbbyHasIssues

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

@dinokitten

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

@MarfSalvador

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

@JoshuaFlail

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

@squirrel74wkgn

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

@nicolewboyce

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house