Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
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My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.