@NerishaLakha

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

You Might Also Like

@JediGigi

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

@SweetestSarcasm

If you love someone…
Bury them in your backyard so no one can find them. Then you’ll have them FOREVER!

*looks out window & smiles*

@FredTaming

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

@rationalists

The only lie Republicans haven’t told about Obama is he’s white.

@KyleMcDowell86

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

@BoomBoomBetty

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

@sonictyrant

“Now that i’ve completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold”

*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*

@darrinfb

You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.

@squirrel74wkgn

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.