Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

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I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts


Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.


You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.


You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.


“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”


me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private


My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.


If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.


getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house