Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
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She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend