Every morning I wake up super pissed at my parents because I have to go to work instead of living off a trust fund.

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ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it


my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast


Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.


I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.


My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.


I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.


Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.


VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me


“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”