[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
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Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Her: I need a living will.
Me: *wiping blood off knife* I’ve got a dead Steve. Close enough?
I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
Do the the fatty acids get picked on by the other acids?
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.