@3sunzzz

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

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@caithuls

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

@TheRolo

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

@OLDIRTYDIAPER

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

@cloudypianos

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

@junejuly12

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

@gruffybeard

Her: I need a living will.

Me: *wiping blood off knife* I’ve got a dead Steve. Close enough?

@TheDairylandDon

I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.

@patcasey72

Do the the fatty acids get picked on by the other acids?

@DanMentos

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

@DaddyJew

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.