[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
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Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
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If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
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I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
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“They all called to say they’re running late”
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
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Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.