Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
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Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.