The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
You Might Also Like
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
*buys another bird with the profits*
Oh that’s neat so you’re a Cancer? Wait…astrologically or to society?
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I throw my poop to birds to give them a taste of the parallel universe.
Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift?
Me: I’ll be dead, that’s a big enough gift for everyone
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping