Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
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“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Go girl power!
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead