Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

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I never said I hated you.

I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.


Had sex with my nephew’s English teacher. Texted her the next day “Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!” so I don’t have to see her again.


Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it


technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs


convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.


Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.


I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.


A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing


I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.