Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
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Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim