Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
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Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I get distracted pretty eas
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*