Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
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Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u