@notviking

every night before we put our dog in his kennel me and my girlfriend pretend we are sentencing him to prison for a different crime. she always jails him for crimes like being too cute or aggravated fluff while i sentence him for things like conspiracy to commit arson or fraud

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@WheelTod

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

@MichaelTrying

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

@brookeisgolden

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

@jackiembouvier

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

@SteveSuckington

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

@DaddyJew

*coughing uncontrollably for 10 minutes*

*neighbors peek outside*

*shakes my head no and holds up blunt*

*neghbor gives a thumbs up and goes on about their day*

@5tevieM

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

@DanMentos

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

@OctopusCaveman

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent