every night before we put our dog in his kennel me and my girlfriend pretend we are sentencing him to prison for a different crime. she always jails him for crimes like being too cute or aggravated fluff while i sentence him for things like conspiracy to commit arson or fraud

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Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.


Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.


Co-worker had a meltdown over someone having a b-day cake. Said since she has no willpower, stop bringing cake in. Tonight, baking cookies.


My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.


Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.


fun prank: text a girl “we need to talk right now” and then throw your phone into a river


*sees red lobster commercial*
oh shit that looks good
*goes to red lobster*
what the absolute hell happened in here


“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs


Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to