every night before we put our dog in his kennel me and my girlfriend pretend we are sentencing him to prison for a different crime. she always jails him for crimes like being too cute or aggravated fluff while i sentence him for things like conspiracy to commit arson or fraud

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Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom


Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.


An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”


Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.


[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape


*coughing uncontrollably for 10 minutes*

*neighbors peek outside*

*shakes my head no and holds up blunt*

*neghbor gives a thumbs up and goes on about their day*


the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together


“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”


Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent