@notviking

every night before we put our dog in his kennel me and my girlfriend pretend we are sentencing him to prison for a different crime. she always jails him for crimes like being too cute or aggravated fluff while i sentence him for things like conspiracy to commit arson or fraud

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@Eagle_Vision

Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.

@seandunn76

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

@CM2BTTHD

Co-worker had a meltdown over someone having a b-day cake. Said since she has no willpower, stop bringing cake in. Tonight, baking cookies.

@Darlainky

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

@Cynner777

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

@SocialExtortion

fun prank: text a girl “we need to talk right now” and then throw your phone into a river

@hippieswordfish

*sees red lobster commercial*
oh shit that looks good
*goes to red lobster*
what the absolute hell happened in here

@LuckoftheDraw86

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

@Browtweaten

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to