can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
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Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit