@notviking: every night before we put our dog in his kennel me and my girlfriend pretend we are sentencing him to prison for a different crime. she always jails him for crimes like being too cute or aggravated fluff while i sentence him for things like conspiracy to commit arson or fraud
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@KentWGraham: My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
@humanaaron: ME: help theres a burglar in my home 911: a what? ME: a burglar 911: a burglar? ME: yes burglar 911: who says burglar? lmao BURGLAR: lol "oH No a bUrGLaR" 911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
@jonnysun: [escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY "PYTHON PROGRAMMER"