@iGreenMonk

Every night I keep a pillow under my gun in case a murderer threatens me to a pillow fight.

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@Jmboyd58

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

@ALF_from_TV

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

@cravin4

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

@goldengateblond

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

@web_supergirl

coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn’t work here because people that are on fire can’t work.

@RdrJay47

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

@batkaren

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

@tweetsbyrocket

son: what do you mean old mcdonald HAD a farm

me: huh

son: what happened to the animals

me:

son: did they die

me: no

son: phew

me: old mcdonald did

@ValeeGrrl

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.