*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Every night I keep a pillow under my gun in case a murderer threatens me to a pillow fight.
You Might Also Like
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Her: “My liberal parents are coming over for dinner. Please don’t be political”
Me after my 2nd Scotch…
I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Top Gun (PG) – 1986
A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots’ bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them – 110 mins
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism