ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
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They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.