*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Every night I keep a pillow under my gun in case a murderer threatens me to a pillow fight.
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Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn’t work here because people that are on fire can’t work.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
son: what do you mean old mcdonald HAD a farm
son: what happened to the animals
son: did they die
me: old mcdonald did
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.