Every night I keep a pillow under my gun in case a murderer threatens me to a pillow fight.

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*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*


Her: “My liberal parents are coming over for dinner. Please don’t be political”

Me after my 2nd Scotch…


I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.


there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick


[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car


Top Gun (PG) – 1986

A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots’ bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them – 110 mins


First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”


There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat


why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism