Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
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ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*