Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

You Might Also Like


Hair Stylist: *massaging my scalp* how does that feel?

Me: I would crawl through broken glass for you

Hair Stylist: what?

Me: what?


(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.


“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”


Your resume just says “falconer”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”



DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted


Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.


Cop: “You been drinkin?”
Me: I’m going to dinner w/my wife’s mom & 94yo granny
“You’re free to go..”
Come on dude. Can’t you just arrest me?


I just saved $30 on Taco Bell by telling a friend I don’t have my wallet


My 5th grader is one eye roll away from being listed on eBay this morning.