@The_Sculptress

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

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@LittleMissAngr1

Hair Stylist: *massaging my scalp* how does that feel?

Me: I would crawl through broken glass for you

Hair Stylist: what?

Me: what?

@truegritrumble

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

@UncleDuke1969

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

@huntigula

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

@ericsshadow

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

@E_lok44

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

@AristotlesNZ

Cop: “You been drinkin?”
Me: I’m going to dinner w/my wife’s mom & 94yo granny
“You’re free to go..”
Come on dude. Can’t you just arrest me?

@jake_lach

I just saved $30 on Taco Bell by telling a friend I don’t have my wallet

@klainey01

My 5th grader is one eye roll away from being listed on eBay this morning.