Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
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11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
A bold strategy
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
New comic up. “Ransom”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.